What's Left?
by AmayaChosha
Summary: L has just freed Yagami Raito Light from being chained to him. The real Kira is back and better then ever when suddenly the worst happens. “God” comes crashing back down to Earth. Leaving him with just one question. What's left? LxRaito
1. Kami No Shi

What's Left

_Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or any of its characters. This is purely fan based and is in no way associated to any actual Death Note work. I don't make any money from this._

Here's most of what's in it: BJ; HJ; (Gang)Rape; Bondage; Lemon; Lime/Pink; Oral; Anal; Torture; Threesomes(or more); Murder; Blood; slightly OOC (out of character). Note that this is through the whole series, not just this chapter. This is the only time I'm warning you about what's in the whole thing; though, I'll post what's in the specific chapter each time.

Feedback is nice, so please send me you're ideas and comments! You can reach me at

Pairing: Ryuuzaki/LxRaito (Light)

Summary: L has just freed Yagami Raito (Light) from being chained to him. The real Kira is back and better then ever when suddenly the worst happens. "God" comes crashing back down to Earth. He can't kill, he can't become the god of a new world, Hell, he can barely stand to live! So…what's left?

_Dedicated to Miaoshou who I officially love._

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**Chapter 1: Kami no shi / God's Death**

Yagami Raito was excited. It was about midnight, and L had just taken off the chain that had been keeping them together since he had been released from confinement. And, better yet, he had his memories back. Oh yes, it was a good day for Raito; for Kira. He even had his Death Note back. Unfortunately, he still had a shinigami following him. Even worse, it was Rem! Even if Ryuuk was stupid, at least he had never threatened to kill him. Actually, now that he thought about it, Ryuuk had told him that when he died, he was the one who would write his name down in the Death Note.

Raito banished such meaningless thoughts from his mind. That wasn't for a long time. And Rem wasn't following him right now. This was the first time in ages that he had been free of L, so he could finally go outside. He wasn't expected back until later that night (Now that they were free, L had had Watari prepare him his own room, as his family still thought he had rented an apartment). Raito had quietly whispered to Rem to stay there. Raito was alone.

…That is, until two pairs of hands grabbed him from a side alley. He yelled out in surprise and anger. He felt another hand cover his mouth from behind and another hold a knife to his throat. He was shoved into the alley brutally. He was furious. How dare they? Didn't they know who he was? He was God! Well, he would show them.

He started to stand up, but felt the blade push against his throat. "Don't move, pretty boy," A voice threatened behind him. The two other men sniggered. "Now listen closely an' do wha' we tell ya, an' we won' kill ya." Raito reali

zed that unlike the first two men, who were weaving slightly from side to side, obviously drunk, the person speaking to him was completely sober. There was no slur in his words, no alcohol on his breath.

"Now, my friends here are lookin' for a lil' fun. We saw you, walkin' with tha' cocky lil' attitude and tha' pretty lil' smirk on yer face, an' my boys says to me, they says, 'Boofu, le's wipe tha' lil' smile righ' off 'is face.' Now, my boys are like my fam'ly, an' I try ta make my fam'ly happy. So here's wha' we're gonna do. My boys is gonna have their fun, an' you's gonna do wha' they says. In the meantime, I'll be takin' pictures ta blackmail ya with if ya go ta the police. Sound' good?" At this the two men chorused their approval.

Raito felt sick. He knew just what kind of "fun" this man was talking about. He also knew this would be no fun for him at all. He slowly, slowly reached for his pocket. He had the Death Note with him (The one back with the task force was actually Rem's; Raito had had her switch them when he was sure no one was looking). The man saw his movement, though, and grabbed his wrist. _Not like I knew their names anyway, _Raito thought bitterly.

"Wha's this?" The man asked, rhetorically, "A no'book? Does pretty boy here keep a diary so he can write down his _feelings_?" The two drunken men laughed cruelly. They man pulled out a simple cigarette lighter and flicked it on, to even more laughs. The man (still behind him) took the lighter in his left hand and the Death Note in his right -- having discarded the knife in favor of the lighter -- and slowly brought them together in front of Raito. When the man's arms completely encircled him, he lowered the lighter under the Note and set it alight. Raito's eyes widened as he saw his dreams for a new world crumbling to ashes in front of him.

"No!" He yelled. Overcome with rage, he threw back his head as far as possible and connected with the man's nose. The man cursed. He dropped the lighter. He didn't need to drop the Death Note. It was gone. Turned to sand and blown away, just like everything else from the shinigami world when it was destroyed.

The two drunken men, seeing their leader hurt, went into a rage. One tackled Raito as he was about to make a run for it. As they were wrestling on the ground, the other man ran to help his leader.

"I'b fine!" He screamed at the drunken man; though, by the way his voice sounded, he obviously had a broken nose.

Raito threw off his attacker and jumped to his feet. He turned and tried to run. He had only gone a few feet, however, when he was once again tackled. He twisted as he fell, bringing his legs up to kick his opponent. He wasn't counting on the other man, though, who viscously kicked him in his side. He automatically curled his body around the area. The man drew his foot back to kick him again and this time hit his head. The world went black, then white before becoming normal again.

"Sonofa-" The man who was holding his legs in place said.

"Lil' Bas'ard," the other man said. Raito felt his shirt being ripped off by one of them. The man who had ripped it then pulled the ruined garment off of him and threw it toward a garbage can at one side of the alley.

The man at his feet grabbed his pants and pulled them down, thankfully not ripping them. He did the same to his boxers.

"Use or abuse?" The man at his feet asked the one at his head.

"You're already down there; you can have 'im. 'Sides, I'm lookin' forward to hurtin' this mother fucker."

When Raito realized what these men were planning to do, he panicked. He couldn't help it, much as it annoyed him. He started to thrash wildly, trying to throw the two men off of him. They laughed at his attempts at first, but soon grew frustrated. The man at his head slapped him. Hard. "Do that again, and you'll get worse than tha'," he said.

"You can be a good boy and do what we say, or you can die," the other man put in. Raito stilled instantly. The men smirked. The man at his head took his pants, underwear, socks, and shoes off. The man at his feet did as well. Together, they flipped him over so that he was resting on his stomach. Then it started.

The man at his head grabbed Raito roughly by the hair, making him yelp in pain. He lifted him up slightly, sat down, and dropped Raito's head --right in his naked lap. "Suck," was his simple command.

Raito didn't move. They man, seeing his reluctance, grabbed his hair again and told him, "If I don' cum, you ain' leavin' here alive, pretty boy."

Raito, sucking up his pride slowly lifted his head so as to reach the man's, um, other head. The man was starting to become hard, but was a long way away from having the necessary orgasm. Raito started to suck. He was disgusted. It was dirty, gross, horrible, and utterly _wrong_! But it was do or die…literally.

The man at Raito's feet positioned himself carefully, erection hovering just outside Raito's back end. Suddenly, without any sort of preparation, he thrust in.

Raito screamed. Fire burst up his spine. He was being wrenched in half! He had unconsciously tightened his muscles, making it even more painful. He could feel warm blood spilling around the man's erect member. With shame he realized that tears had started spilling from his eyes.

The man pulled out swiftly and shoved back in with even more force than before, causing Raito to scream yet again. At least the blood helped lubricate it. The man was easily sliding his penis in an out. In and out and in and out and in and out, producing a scream each time at first, but they slowly began to fade into pitiful whimpers.

Meanwhile, the other man, seeing that there was no way Raito could possibly continue his blow job, began to masturbate. He began running his hand down his own shaft, occasionally stopping to order Raito to suck again. He did so. The man noticed that with every thrust from his drunken friend, Raito would whimper and bite down with his lips a tiny bit on his manhood. The soft feel of his breath when he whimpered sent shivers of pleasure down his spine. Every little nibble made him moan in ecstasy. He thrust his hips up, almost choking Raito. The man saw that this caused him to have to bring his hands up to make sure he didn't suffocate. He grabbed Raito's hands and began to run them up and down his now fully erect member. He let go, but Raito, understanding, kept his hands moving up and down, in time with the thrusts into his backside. Both rapists hit their climax at almost the same moment. With a groan of pure ecstasy, the first man came in Raito's face and mouth. The man quickly put a hand over Raito's mouth, telling him to swallow. With tears of shame and disgust running down his face, he did.

Giving a similar moan, the other man came explosively in Raito, causing a surge of fresh pain. Cum mixed with blood as he slowly pulled his now limp cock out of Raito, causing as much pain and discomfort as he could.

As the two men pulled on their clothes, they laughed at Raito, taking pride in what they had done. Did they even realize what it was that they had done? Who they had done it to? They had defiled a god! That was unforgivable.

But what could he do?

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L was sitting in a chair, his knees pulled up to his chest in their usual way. He held the Death Note with a thumb and forefinger in each hand. He was staring at it intently.

"Shinigami?" He asked suddenly.

"Yes?" Rem answered. L shifted his eyes to the death god's face, lowering the notebook slightly.

"Who owns this Death Note?" L asked, looking closely at Rem for her response.

"I suppose you do. Why?" L nodded.

"Are there any other Death Notes in a human's possession now?"

"It's against the rules for me to tell you that," the shinigami said unhelpfully.

"That is unfortunate," L said, slightly annoyed with all of these vague and unhelpful answers.

The shinigami opened her mouth to say something when suddenly she closed it, looking surprised. Her visible eye drifted to the upper left corner. "What is it?" L asked suspiciously. The shinigami looked at him slowly.

"Kira is dead," she said, almost as if she didn't believe it herself.

"Yes, we saw him die just a few hours ago," L said. He knew very well who she meant. She had been talking about the first Kira. The original Kira. _His _Kira.

"No, that wasn't Kira," Rem said, confirming his suspicions. "The notebook you are holding now is actually mine. The other one was with Kira." L looked at the shinigami, not the least bit surprised. The ownership should have passed to whoever was holding it when Higuchi died. So that meant Kira was…

_Yagami Raito. _The name swam through his mind before he could stop it. _No, it can't be him, _he thought. _If only for that 13 day rule…_

"Was?" L asked quickly. The shinigami nodded.

"The notebook has been destroyed. Kira is dead." L was shocked. Kira had died? How could that be possible? The thought that the shinigami had been lying didn't even pass through his head; he knew Rem had been telling the truth.

"Will you relinquish ownership of the Death Note?" Rem asked him. L thought about it.

"Yes," he said. Now that he knew how it worked, he didn't need it. He handed it over.

"Thank you," the shinigami said, turning away.

"Will you at least tell me who Kira was?" L asked. Rem paused.

"I hated the one you call Kira. I only wish that I had been the one to kill him. But I won't tell you. I have someone I need to protect and telling you who Kira is may endanger that person." L nodded once more, his thumb finding its way to his lips. He watched as the shinigami walked through a wall, leaving forever. She had given him more information than she knew.

After about half an hour, Yagami Raito picked himself up. It hurt. He gently pulled his pants up from around his ankles, careful not to touch his abused area. Looking around for his shirt, he finally saw it lying on top of an overturned trash can. He picked it up. It had been a striped button-up shirt. The man had ripped it off by grabbing his collar and pulling, causing all the buttons to be torn off.

He pulled it on anyway. There was another small rip along his left side, but he neither noticed nor cared. The ripped shirt would cover his wounds better than no shirt.

He walked home slowly, painfully, jumping at every slight noise. His mind was numb. He refused to think about what had happened to him, refused to think about his shame. What was he gong to do now? He was no longer a god. Kira was dead. He wasn't even really a human anymore. He was worse than that. He was defiled, shamed, abused, destroyed, tainted, besmirched, degraded, sullied, tarnished, injured, _dead! _He was dead inside, now. He was a walking corpse. There was nothing left for him. Nothing left _of _him. He was a filthy nothing.

As he reached the task force building, he realized the others had probably left by now. He was thankful. He didn't want them to see him like this. Especially his father. A new wave of self loathing washed over him at the thought of what his father would think if he knew.

Maybe it would be best to just die. He had always held those who committed suicide in contempt, but now he realized how one could come to feel bad enough to do it.

He walked through the doors, making his way to his room. He would think of that later. All he wanted to do right now was take a long shower, washing the feeling of filth out of him. After that, he would escape into the embrace of sleep. He didn't want to be conscious any longer than was necessary.

He didn't want to keep thinking that awful question. He didn't want to think about what was left for him now.

L watched the images on his computer with shocked disbelief on his face. It was an image from the security cameras.

L watched as Raito made his way slowly to his room. His shirt was ripped in multiple places. It was covered in dirt. As he switched cameras to get a look at the other side, he noticed a large bloodstain on Raito's left side. With a sick feeling, he realized it was Raito's blood, as the stain was slowly growing larger.

His pants were even filthier and covered in even more blood stains.

Raito had a bruise slowly forming on his right cheek. His lower lip and nose were bleeding. He walked slowly and with a limp, gritting his teeth in pain every once in a while.

L took this all in, but what he found most disturbing was Raito's face. He zoomed in closer and freeze-framed. This close he noticed tear tracks, the only clean part of his dirt-covered face. Raito never cried. What the Hell was going on?

It was then L noticed his eyes. All thought stopped, which was saying something for L. Raito's eyes weren't there. Well, they were, but they weren't. They were eyes, certainly, but they were empty. There was no spark of life, no emotion. _They're, _L searched for the right word, _soulless. _

L watched as Raito walked into his room. He headed straight to the attached bathroom. Unfortunately, there were only infrared cameras in the bathroom. L frowned, annoyed. He was beginning to wish he had installed the normal cameras, privacy or not.

He sighed. There was nothing to do but wait until he came out.

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Once in the bathroom, Raito took his clothes off slowly. He noticed the growing bloodstain on his shirt and frowned. _Ah, well, _he thought. He was just going to throw it out anyway.

When his discarded pants hit the floor, he heard an odd clacking sound. Bending down to look in his pockets, he found his cell phone. He was mildly surprised that it was still there, but he didn't dwell on it too long. It wasn't important. Nothing was important anymore.

He laid his phone on the sink and finished undressing before stepping into the shower. He turned it as hot as it would go, barely noticing the heat.

He scrubbed until he was red all over, and then he scrubbed some more. The water had turned icy long before he stepped out. When he felt he could get no cleaner he stepped out grabbing a towel on the way. He dried himself off, being careful around his sore places.

He glanced at his reflection. The face that stared back at him, hair wet, eyes soulless, made him angry. He wrapped the towel around his waist too tightly in his anger, crying out as the wound in his side began bleeding again.

He caught his reflection in the mirror then. He paused in horror, reaching a hand to touch his cheek beneath his eyes. There were tears there, spilling out slowly.

At this sight, something in him snapped. With a feral cry, he clenched his hand into a fist and slammed it into the mirror. As the shattered pieces fell on the sink and the floor around him, he sank to the floor.

It would be so simple. Just take a sliver of glass and run it across his wrists or throat. So simple….

He felt his hand reach out, but couldn't quite make it pick up a piece. Sighing, he lowered his hand, letting it hit his thigh. It sickened him that he was this weak.

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L's mouth fell open in surprise as Raito's hand connected with the mirror. The infrared cameras made it impossible to see his face and therefore his emotions, but L knew he was angry. He pushed a button on his computer, signaling Watari.

"Bring the first-aid kit and something to clean up glass to Yagami-kun's room, please," he said, voice not betraying the sickening feeling in his stomach that he felt.

He rushed up to Raito's room, dreading what he would find there. As he burst into the room, he saw Raito calmly sitting on his bed in sweatpants and a plain cotton shirt. This was odd for him, L noticed in the back of his mind. He normally only wore his boxers to bed.

Raito looked at him calmly.

"Yes Ryuuzaki?" he asked. Composing himself, L stated just as calmly:

"Yagami-kun, please let me see your hand." Raito's lips twitched in an almost smile. _He's using my last name, _Raito noticed, not the least bit surprised that L had seen him. He obediently held out his right hand for him to inspect.

With horror, L noticed that there were still shards of glass in it. Raito hadn't even bothered to clean it.

Just then, Watari entered the room, handing the first-aid kit to L before walking to the bathroom to clean up the glass. Without a word, L sat down on the bed beside Raito and began carefully picking out the shards of glass and lying them on a piece of gauze from the kit. Raito allowed this, shivering slightly every time L made contact with his bare skin. He still didn't feel clean.

"May I ask why Yagami-kun felt the need to punch the mirror?" L asked, curiously.

"I don't like mirrors," Raito answered, shortly. L noticed that his throat was raw.

"Mirrors are only capable of showing you what they see. Wouldn't that mean that you do not like yourself?" L asked, knowing it would annoy Raito.

"Yes, I suppose that's what it implies," Raito said calmly, surprising L. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Watari leave holding a small garbage sack. L began to gently wrap Raito's hand in gauze.

"Is Raito-kun implying that he dislikes himself?" L asked, changing to Raito's first name easily.

"Yes," Raito said in a low hiss, full of self-hate and anger. L stopped in his task, surprised by this. When he looked at Raito's face, he saw his eyes were trained on a tail of blood on his wrist.

Finishing his hand, L said, "Lift up your shirt, please, Raito-kun. I need to tend to the injury there as well."

"No, I can do it," Raito snapped. He didn't want L to see that wound.

"I insist," L replied, looking Raito in the eyes. Seeing that it would be useless to argue, Raito lifted the edge of his shirt, looking away sharply.

L saw a large gash surrounded by a purplish bruise. He noted that it was in the shape of a boot mark, but said nothing. He was extremely curious now. He gently dabbed at the wound with a cotton ball dipped in antiseptic. Raito hissed at the sting of it.

That done, L began wrapping gauze around Raito. At the feel of another body this close to his, Raito flinched away.

"Don't touch me," he hissed.

"It's quite hard to wrap your wounds without touching you, Raito-kun," L replied. He began to reach forward to finish. Raito, seeing this, said the first thing that came to his mind. Anything to get L away from him.

"Stop it, I'm Kira!" he practically screamed. L blinked at him stupidly (which he had never done in his life before now).

"The last two rules in the Death Note are false! I had Ryuuk write them before I went into confinement!" Raito's eyes had gone wide. He had a panicked look on his face. L was stunned.

"Why tell me this? You were winning," it pained L to saw it, but it was true.

"That's not your business. The point is I'm Kira! You win! You can execute me in the most brutal way you can think of. O-or, you can write my name in the Death Note yourself! I know that's something that would appeal to you!" Raito realized he was babbling now. He didn't care. He saw a way out, and Damnit, he was taking it.

"Hmm, well I can't be sure your Kira. You may just be working with him or even be manipulated by him. Even if you are Kira, this may be some part of your plan. I'm afraid I can't convict you yet. A better plan would be to handcuff you to me again so that I may observe you, or perhaps confine you and myself to a floor here for a certain amount of days."

Raito cringed visibly at this suggestion. "No," he said firmly. "I'm not spending any more time chained to you!" L nodded as if he had expected this.

"Follow me, then, Yagami-kun," he said. And, seeing he was about to protest, added, "If you don't willingly follow me, I'm afraid I'll have to drag you against your will." L watched as fear flashed briefly through Raito's eyes. That, too, was odd. Even if he had been afraid by this minor, non-life threatening threat, he would never, _never _have shown it. Especially not to an enemy. _Be warned, Yagami Raito, I __will __figure out what is going on, _he thought firmly to himself, before leading his enemy to a small apartment-like room that they would both be sharing until he could make good on his silent promise.

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Raito walked with his head down, auburn locks covering his soulless eyes. He didn't want L to see the shame and self-loathing that he was sure was clear in them. He didn't want L to see the emptiness that was raging inside him. He just wanted it all to end.

He looked down at his bandaged hand as L led him to a room halfway up the building. The blood was beginning to show through. He licked his lips, staring at the blood with a longing. Oh, how he wished he could just die!

He looked up briefly to see that L had stopped and was watching is morbid longing with a mixture of horror, curiosity, and…worry? No, Raito just imagined that one. L was never worried. Especially not about his enemies.

They began walking again. He watched as L shifted in front of him, typing in a password on a number pad next to the door. There was a high pitched beep, and a space opened in the wall above the number pad. L leaned forward and Raito saw a red light shine in his eyes briefly --a retina scan. This room was much better protected than any of the other rooms.

Finally, L pulled out a simple passkey and swiped it through a slot above the door handle. There was another high pitched beep, this time accompanied by the sound of the door unlocking.

L opened it and gestured for Raito to go in first. He did. He saw a large living room with two couches, an easy chair, and a coffee table. Attached to the side of the room was a large kitchenette with simple wooden cabinets, a full-sized fridge, a stove, an oven, and a microwave. In the corner of the room, between the kitchenette and the chair, there was a hallway.

Walking forward to see where the hallway led, Raito stumbled over a loose thread in the beige carpet. He quickly regained his balance twisting in order to do so. Pain flared up his left side. He clutched it, gasping. He sank to his knees in agony. L was at his side in moments, the door closed and locked behind him.

"Raito-kun?" L asked, "Are you all right? You never let me finish bandaging you." But Raito didn't hear. The brief pain was nothing in comparison to the flood of memories that it had brought with it. The pain, the cruel laughter, the smell of blood, sweat, and alcohol. Raito felt like he was going to be sick. Fortunately, he blacked out before he could shame himself further.

He sunk into the waiting arms of darkness, hoping to escape from the pain that was inescapable.

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L saw Raito fall out of the corner of his eye. He turned around, asking if him if he was okay. In answer, Raito crumpled to the floor. L was next to I'm in moments, cautious, in case this was all a trick. He quickly saw that it was not. Raito's face was beaded with sweat and he was breathing irregularly. L reached out to feel the pulse in his neck. It, too, was irregular.

"Raito-kun?" he asked, worried. "Raito-kun, wake up!" No response. L sighed. It looked like he was going to have to carry him to his room. He had given Watari strict orders to evacuate the task force if he was ever forced to use this room. This room was made only for L and Kira. This was where the "final showdown" was to take place.

Sighing once again, L gently picked Raito up, being careful of his wounds. He carried him down the hallway. There were only two doors leading off it, the bathroom (on the left) and the bedroom (on the right). L had to put Raito down to open the door. When he reached down to pick him up again, he couldn't help noticing how vulnerable Raito looked. The sweat was beginning to pour down his face, making his hair damp. The expression on his unconscious face showed terrible pain. L was unsettled by this. It felt like he was witnessing something private. Sure, he had no problems invading people's privacy and even their emotions, but Raito never let anyone see what he was really feeling, especially pain. Especially pain this terrible and all consuming.

As L picked him back up and began carrying him to the bed, he couldn't help wondering, once again, what was great enough to cause this pain.

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A/N: So. First fanfic. Like it? Hate it? Review? Maybe? Also, if there are any grammer mistakes, please tell me. I don't have a beta.


	2. Jisatsu To Hanashi

A/N Okay, warnings for this chapter: blood and attempted suicide. If you see any mistakes, please tell me! I don't have a beta!

_This chapter is dedicated to SekushiAi who I also love._

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**Chapter 2: Jisatsu to Hanashi/ Suicide and Stories **

_Cold…pain…darkness…pain…screams…pain…blood…pain…the smell of alcohol…pain…taunting laughs…pain…shame…PAIN!!_

_Raito screamed. He screamed and screamed at the top of his lungs. Screamed until his throat was raw. Screamed until he couldn't scream anymore. Why wasn't anyone coming? Surely someone could hear him? Or did they just not care? "Please," he whispered, begging. "Please."_

Raito woke up screaming. He quickly shut his mouth, lest L come in. His breathing was ragged, his throat was raw, and he hurt all over. Worse, he realized he was crying. Again. He forced himself to calm down. He angrily wiped the tears from his face and concentrated on returning his breathing to normal.

After five minutes of this, he had himself back under control. He wiped his hand across his face one more time, though, just to be sure, before getting out of bed. He looked around, taking stock of the room. It was fairly large. There was a queen sized bed in the center, with the door at the foot of it and slightly to the left. On the wall to the right of the bed there was an open closet full of the same generic black cotton clothes he had worn when he was confined. Next to that was a small chest of drawers. When Raito opened them, he found the first contained black boxers; the second, black socks; the third, black shorts; the fourth, thinner black pants, obviously for sleeping; and the last, matching pajama shirts.

Raito suddenly felt very dirty. He grabbed the clothes he would need and headed out of his room. Walking down the hallway, he found the bathroom and was about to enter when he paused. He walked the rest of the way down the hallway to see L sitting on the couch staring at the screen of his laptop with his thumb pushing against his lips. When Raito entered the room, however, he looked up with an unreadable expression in his eyes.

"Yes, Raito-kun?" he asked in a flat voice.

"Do you have surveillance cameras in the bathroom?" he asked, suspiciously.

"Only infrared ones, Raito-kun. You may use the bathroom with no fear of my invading your privacy." Raito nodded and walked back into the bathroom. As he took his clothes off, he noticed a fresh bandage around his abdomen. He shivered, knowing that L had had to touch him to do this. He pushed it out of his mind. He wouldn't let L or anyone else touch him ever again.

He stepped into the shower. Once again he scrubbed for hours. Knowing he had to let it out somehow, he started crying hating himself every moment for it. He cried with quiet sobs, the tears on his face indistinguishable from the water flowing from the shower.

Raito cried until he couldn't anymore, and then he sank slowly to the floor of the shower, face in is hands, an empty feeling growing in the pit of his stomach. He needed this to stop. Then he got an idea. He stood up and turned the shower icy, standing directly under it until his teeth were chattering. Then he turned it to as hot as it could go, stepping out before any of the scalding water could touch him. He hoped this would help him blend in enough so that the infrared cameras wouldn't show him as clearly. He turned, looking at himself in the mirror. The dead look in his eyes and the purple bruise on his face, the face of a fallen god, was reflected there. This time remembering not to give a cry of rage, lest he alert L to what he was doing, he threw his fist at the mirror, shattering it.

He picked up a large piece of glass, testing its edge. It was sharp as any knife. Raito grinned and held it to his left wrist, taking a breath to calm himself. He was about to plunge it into his skin, when he realized that he was naked. His stomach rolled. He was _not _going to die that way.

He quickly pulled his clothes on before sliding down against the wall, utterly tired of living. He gently picked up his piece of glass again and made a delicate cut along his wrist. He wasn't sure if this was deep enough to kill him, but he figured if he didn't die soon enough, he could always make it deeper.

Holding his arm up, he watched as a thin trickle of blood made its way down his wrist, pooling in the crook of his elbow. He had never seen this much blood in person before. He thought it was beautiful, the very essence of life itself. He knew his blood was tainted now, but he couldn't help thinking that it was still a good way to die.

He let out a peaceful sigh and watched his blood flow; down his wrist, past his elbow, onto the knee it was resting on, down his leg, hitting the floor and making a little pool there. He let his arm droop down as he gently closed his eyes, waiting patiently for death to take him.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

L was staring at images from the camera in the bathroom on his computer screen in frustration. Raito had tampered with the temperatures, making it hard for him to tell what he was doing. Slowly, though, Raito's shape was becoming more clear. The hot water was running out, becoming cooler as Raito's body heated up to its normal temperature.

Finally the shot became clear enough for him to make out Raito. He was lying against the wall, not moving. The shower was still running. Drops of red, the same color red as Raito's shape, were falling from him to the floor. _Blood, _came L's immediate realization.

He was out of his seat in a flash, racing to the bathroom. "Raito-kun!" he yeller, knocking on the door loudly. "Raito-kun, open up! Open up or I'm coming in anyway!" There were no locks on any of the doors in this room of the task force, so he could make good on his threat.

He waited one second…two seconds…three…four…five…still no answer. "I'm coming in!" L said. No response. L opened the door, mildly surprised Raito wasn't trying to block his entrance.

The first thing he saw was the broken mirror. _Again?_ was his first thought. Then he saw the small pool of blood. His eyes traveled up to see Raito's bleeding wrist, a piece of bloody glass in his right hand. He saw Raito's closed eyes and horror washed through him. He was confused by this feeling. Why would he care if a murderer killed himself? Was it because he was afraid he would never find out why Raito had confessed now? _Yes, that must be it, _he told himself firmly.

He stepped over to Raito, reaching out to check his pulse. It was still there, albeit faint. He was thankful he'd gotten here in time. Next he looked at Raito's wrist. The cut wasn't too deep, but if he didn't stop the bleeding quickly, Raito would die of blood loss. Having nothing else to stop the flow with, he pulled of his shirt, wrapped it tightly around Raito's wrist, and bent down so that he was face to face with the mass murderer.

"Yagami-kun, can you hear me?" L asked. No answer. He had blacked out again. L gently picked him up; _again,_ he couldn't help adding silently. He carried him through the open door of the bedroom and laid him carefully on the bed. Just as he was putting him down, though, Raito's right hand shifted, brushing against L's bare chest. Instantly, L's face flushed. The places where Raito's hand touched felt like they were on fire.

L quickly stepped away from the unconscious boy. He tried to find a logical reason for this reaction, but could find none. L felt sort of giddy, actually. The sight of Raito's bleeding wrist brought him back down to Earth. He quickly found a first-aid kit and began wrapping up Raito's wrists tightly.

When he was finished, he put on a new shirt and left to dispose of everything that was either reflective or sharp.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

_Drip, drip, drip……_what was that sound? ..._drip, drip, drip……_Raito turned around, desperately trying to find the too-loud sound in this otherwise silent black wasteland……_drip, drip, dri—_

Raito shot up, a single word on his lips. _"Blood!" _he screamed, "It was…blood." This last word came out as a whisper, a slight sighing sound that ghosted from his lips with quiet deadliness. "S-so much…b-blood." Raito was finding it hard to speak, his words coming out of his still-raw throat with much difficulty.

He forced himself to take a breath. Then another, and anther, until he was breathing normally. He pushed all thoughts of his dream to the back of his mind, looking down at his wrist to see why he was still alive. He saw the problem immediately; L had bandaged him. Bastard.

With one final glare at his wrist, Raito got out of bed and walked to the main room. As he came in, he noticed L sitting in his usual way on the easy chair, staring intently at something on his laptop. He was so engrossed, in fact, he didn't even notice Raito until he sat down on the couch.

Snapping his computer shut, he gazed over at Raito with a stare that was no less intent than the one he had been giving his computer. "How is Raito-kun feeling?" L asked in his normal bland way, giving Raito no indication of his mood whatsoever.

"I'm fine," Raito snapped, annoyed with L for assuming that he was anything but perfect. Not that he _was_ perfect…not anymore-- but God Damnit, he didn't want L to know that! If L found out that he was flawed, he would really die. And he didn't want that, he realized. The dream had cleared his mind, brought him back to his senses. Just because he was defiled didn't mean he wasn't still Yagami Raito! And Yagami Raito didn't lose. He would find those blasphemers, oh yes; he would find them and make them suffer for what they did! He still had Misa's Death Note after all! But first he would have to get rid of L…

"How long was I asleep?" he asked to cover up his less-than-happy thoughts.

"A few hours. It is now 3:48 P.M." L stated. Raito nodded.

"What were you looking at?" he asked curiously. L just looked at him. After what seemed like an eternity of silence he said:

"I'm looking at camera feeds of Raito-kun in order to figure out his abnormal behavior." Raito snorted to hide his anger. How _dare _L think he could figure out Raito's problems? What had happened to him was none of L's business!

"Good luck. You'll never figure it out, try as you might. My reasons are my own. My business is my own. And my LIFE is my own!" He said, raising his voice. "What right do you have to keep me in this room? I confessed to being the world's deadliest killer, and you think you can lock me up because _you don't believe me?! _After all the accusations, suspicions, and tests, _you _don't _believe _me?!" Raito was on his feet now, hands balled into fists, anger dancing like fire behind his eyes. "I confessed for a valid reason. Just because you don't know what that reason is doesn't mean it's a lie."

"I never said I thought it was a lie," L cut in. His voice somehow managed to stay bland and monotonous and yet pierce the air like the glass that had pierced Raito's wrist. "I want to know the reason for your confession simply because it could prove to be of utmost importance. What if this is all some sort of plan to kill me or pass on your power to yet more people? Also, I still have no idea why you started killing. I don't know your story. Without those two things, consider your confession null."

Raito stood in anger for a moment or two before his hands relaxed and he smirked. "My story, then…," he started. "I was bored. And then I watched from my classroom as a notebook came falling out of the sky, right as I was thinking of how rotten this world had become…"

And so he continued, telling L his story, his plans, his hopes to create a perfect utopia…all in past tense of course. Now he had one goal; one purpose. After that was complete, he didn't know what he would do.

But that was a long way away. For now he would just go along with whatever L wanted out of him (minus his reason for confessing, of course) and see where it took him.

* * *

A/N Okay, so as you can see, L's beginning to show some of the early signs of yaoi-ness. Yay! I know Raito's having a hard time now, but I promise there will be some kissing and hugging soon…and more -wink, wink-

Also, I know some of you may think Raito's a little OOC, but think about it; Raito has the potential to kill. He kills those whom he believes should be dead (namely: criminals and people who try to stop him). Raito now believes that he is less than human and should die. Conclusion: Raito turns his outward violence inward, resulting in suicide attempts.


	3. Deeta To Hakken

A/N: I love your reviews!! Without them, I would never update and I would feel unloved and go into depression. So by reviewing, you are saving my life! Yayz!

_This chapter is dedicated to my beta-ish person who has no screen name. He's -N- on deathnotegame. forumotion. com (no spaces)and without him, this chapter would suck._

_Also dedicated to Pinku Aisu Kuriimu who has a lovely torture story that I LOVE._

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**Chapter 3: Deeta To Hakken/Data and Discoveries**

_Raito shot up, a single word on his lips. "Blood!" he screamed, "It was…blood." This last word came out as a whisper, a slight sighing sound that ghosted from his lips with quiet deadliness. "S-so much…b-blood."_

L put his thumb to his lips and bit. He was watching video footage of Raito sleeping, trying to make sense of his dreams. Was Raito dreaming of his suicide attempt? Somehow L doubted it. He had a feeling that Raito was dreaming about whatever had happened to him.

L sighed. He was getting nowhere fast. Raito was an enigma; he always had been and that's what L loved about him. Wait, _love? _Respected, maybe. Admired, maybe. Never _loved._ L loved sweets and working on cases. Period.

Getting annoyed with himself for being so defensive, he opened a spread sheet and marked one column as **Old Raito** and another one as **New Raito**. Under the first he put:

_Emotion control level: 98_

_Quick, clever thinking_

_Carefree_

_Social_

_Modesty level: average_

_OCD level: high_

_Sleep habits: 6 to 8 hrs per night_

_Dream habits: normal_

_Dream abnormalities: none_

_Contact level: average_

_Past suicide attempts: 0_

_Possibility of suicide attempt: 1.6_

Under the second column he put:

_Emotion control level: 43_

_Rushed thinking_

_Tense_

_Antisocial_

_Modesty level: high_

_OCD level: average_

_Sleep habits: irregular_

_Dream habits: high-stress dreams_

_Dream abnormalities: talking/muttering in sleep; heavy motion; visible signs of stress_

_Contact level: adverse to contact_

_Past suicide attempts: 1 _

_Possibility of suicide attempt: 99.99_

Looking over the information quickly and adding to what he already new, L made another column called **symptoms** and entered:

_Varied sleep patterns_

_High self-hate_

_Adverse to people/contact_

_Diminished alertness_

_Hysteria_

_Obsession to wash_

_Pronounced internal tremor_

Blinking at the screen, L reread everything. No, he hadn't made a mistake. But this looked like…and Raito couldn't have been…but all the information said…had Raito been ra-

Raito sat down on the couch, breaking him out of his thoughts. L looked him over ad noticed an edginess. He saw that he sat at the end of the couch that was farthest from where L sat. He asked him how he was feeling to see what he would say, and was unnerved to see Raito tense immediately and give a bland answer. Raito asked how long he had been asleep, but then inquired as to what L had been doing.

L paused, contemplating how much, if anything, he should tell him he finally decided on the truth and told him the bare minimum of what he had been doing. This seemed to have been a bad idea, however, as Raito got angry. L told him exactly what he wanted, and was rewarded with Raito's story. L noticed that he spoke only in past tense and that he stopped when he got to the day that L had let him leave the building.

"What happened then?" L asked.

"Nothing you need to worry about. It falls under the category of 'none of your damn business'." Raito answered back.

"Then I do not have the complete story and therefore you will remain here," L answered simply. Raito scowled at him.

"What am I supposed to do to until you decide to let me go?" he asked. L shrugged.

"I am sure Raito-kun will find something to entertain himself with," L said. He honestly didn't care what the boy did as long as he didn't try to kill himself or L. Raito sighed.

"I'm bored," he said simply. "What are you planning to do while we're stuck in here? Besides being annoying, of course." L pretended to ponder this question. Really the answer was simple. He was going to figure out Raito. And what better way to do that than to test Raito? So he would go through his list of symptoms one by one and test to see how bad they were. Of course, he couldn't tell Raito that. So he did what he always did; lied.

"I have other cases besides the Kira case, Raito-kun. I will have plenty to occupy my time with." Raito sighed again and stared at the ceiling, most likely counting the tiles.

L mentally brought up the list. _Let's see, I can't test his sleeping patterns while he is awake, so I suppose the first thing I should test is his self-hate. But how to do that…._ L blinked. He would get Raito so angry that he wanted to hit L. Then he could tell how much he hated himself by how hard he fought against L compared to normal. But how to get him angry? Thinking about the third item in the list, L pieced together a plan that would kill two birds with one stone, as the old adage went.

He pulled out his cell phone and flipped it open. "Watari? No, I am fine. I need you to do something for me, please."

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Raito was bored. BORED. There was absolutely NOTHING to do! He had counted and recounted the ceiling tiles, desperately trying to keep his memories from resurfacing. Finally he got up and walked to the bedroom, wincing slightly at the pain in his side.

Once he was safely in the confines of the bedroom, he lay on the bed and curled in on himself, deciding to take a nap. He didn't particularly want to sleep, but he was just so bored! This was even worse than before he had found the death note. At least then he had _something_ to occupy his time.

He had just about fallen asleep when he heard something that sent shivers of fear up his spine.

"RAITO-KUN!!"

Oh no. There was only one person who had that banshee voice. He had just enough time to sit up when a blonde streak threw itself at him. Misa put her arms around Raito's waist and hugged him tightly. He gasped in pain and a wave of nausea rolled over him. He tried to push her away, but she had an iron grip on him. She kept babbling on and on about how 'that pervert Ryuuzaki' had told her that 'her' Raito-kun was bored and had thought she could help him.

"L-let go!" Raito said loudly. Misa let go and looked at him with concerned eyes. She gasped when she saw blood seeping through Raito's shirt. Apparently her hug of doom had made him start bleeding again. "L-leave now," Raito managed to say while taking deep breaths. Oh God, he could feel them again. Their hands were all over him, touching him, defiling him, making him _human_. Misa looked at him with those sad kicked-puppy eyes but he just pointed to the door. She whimpered and said, "But I haven't seen my Raito-kun in so long!"

"NOW!" Raito yelled. Misa jumped, eyes widening.

"O-okay," she said, leaving quickly. Raito ran to the bathroom and shut the door, turning the shower to its hottest and stripping quickly. Once he was under the boiling water, he sunk to the floor, hugging himself tightly. He let loose a dry sob and shuddered heavily. Why did this keep happening? Why couldn't he just get _clean?_ He grabbed a bar of soap and lathered his body with it, scrubbing hard. He needed this to get better. He needed it to stop! He wasn't stupid enough to try suicide again-- at least, not until he had killed the people who had done this to him—but he had to do something! He scrubbed himself harder, hissing at the pain from his still-bleeding side.

Then it hit him. This room was locked. Which meant Ryuuzaki had let Misa in.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

L watched the cameras intently, making sure Raito didn't kill himself. He didn't even try. Improvement? Possible, but not likely. Only a 37 chance, really.

Raito showered for two hours and then (_finally, _L thought) Raito got dressed again and opened the door. "L, why did you let Misa in?" Hmmm, he was surprisingly calm. L had expected a more angry comment.

"Raito-kun did say he was bored. I was merely trying to help," L said innocently.

"You were not and you know it! You had a reason for letting her in here!" Yes, that's more like the response he had expected.

"I wanted to see what you would do," L answered truthfully. Just as he expected, this set Raito off nicely. He punched L in the face, sending the detective flying off the chair. L had been expecting that, however, and countered by landing on his hands and kicking upwards with his feet, hitting Raito in the chest.

Raito fell backwards, but regained his balance quickly. He sent another punch at L, but L grabbed his arm and used Raito's momentum to send him tumbling forward. L walked over and kicked Raito in the side off his wound. He saw Raito's face contort in pain, remembrance and…fear?

"Whatever, you win," Raito said quickly, holding his side. The bloodstain was spreading.

Now that was surprising. Raito admitted to losing? Losing to _L?_ There had to be something wrong, if he was willing to surrender.

"I apologize for kicking Raito-kun. It seems he is bleeding again," L said. "I will find the first-aid kit."

He walked to the kitchen and found the kit (which he had hidden due to the fact that it could be used for a potential suicide attempt). He took out a roll of gauze and looked at Raito expectantly. Sure enough, "I can do it myself."

L handed him the gauze and Raito wrapped it around himself, raising his shirt just enough or him to wrap his wound. When he was finished, he walked back to the bedroom, most likely to change his shirt. When he didn't come back to the room after five minutes, L checked the security cameras to see that he had fallen asleep.

Shrugging it off, he was about to enter the data he had gathered on Raito, when he heard a phone beep. He pulled it out of his pocket and noticed that it was Raito's phone. He had confiscated it, of course.

He opened it to see that Raito had a new text. He opened it and his eyes widened to their fullest extent.

_Dear pretty boy,_

_Just in case you forgot about us, I wanted to send you this little message. Don't even think about telling anyone about this or we'll plaster these images all over the internet, not to mention all the people in you address book. _

_Yours,_

_Boofu_

Below the text, there were the promised images. It was these that made L do what he did next.

* * *

A/N OMGWTFBBQ?? What were the images? And what did L do?? I WANT TO KNOW!! Oh wait. I do know. Yay! Review and you'll know too! Well, as soon as I get the next chapter written, that is.

Oh yeah, and for those of you who like to role play, I made a site called deathnotefantasy. forummotion. com (no spaces)It's a fantasy-meets-death note kinda thing.


	4. Shouyoku

* * *

_Disclaimer: Death Note doesn't belong to me._

Warnings for this chapter: Masturbation and details about the pictures from last chapter.

_Dedicated to William Prescott who is just pure awesomeness :3_

* * *

**Chapter 4: Shouyoku / Lust  
**

_Raito walked down an alley. What was he doing here? Something bad was going to happen. He didn't know how he knew this, but he did. "Pretty boy…" a voice called out. Raito turned to find that the alley had somehow gotten so long that he couldn't see the end. He turned back around and saw the same view._

_He began walking again, not knowing what else to do. "…Pretty boy…Little whore…" He stopped again, whispers coming from all directions. He walked faster. "Let's have some fun, pretty boy!" And then he was running, fear creeping up his spine. Something shoved him hard and he tripped. His clothes disappeared and he heard an ominous zipping sound. "Use or abuse?" This phrase echoed in his head, bouncing around until it blocked out everything except the pain. Oh god, it hurt! Stop, stop, STOP!!!_

Raito shot up in bed, soaked in sweat. Tears were pouring down his face again. He needed to wash right now. Jumping out of bed, he grabbed his clothes and almost ran to the bathroom._ Need to be clean…So fucking filthy…_

He scrubbed himself all over, but the soap ran out before he felt clean. "No…" He could barely believe the choked whimper of a voice was his own. _I'm so fucking weak. It was just sex! So I'm not a virgin anymore, big deal! Just pretend it never happened. It didn't happen. I'm still God!_

But his Death Note had been burned so easily. Such a powerful tool destroyed in the blink of an eye. If he couldn't even avoid rape, how could he claim to be God? He couldn't punish those who hurt him. He didn't even know who they were. The realization that he was powerless took away any strength he had left. He sunk to the bottom of the tub and let the tears fall.

-------------

L bit his thumb so hard it bled. While Raito had been asleep, he'd called Watari and asked him to install real cameras in the bathroom. Infrared cameras could be tricked too easily. But now, he almost wished he'd kept the old ones. Watching Raito like this…he didn't want to see this. The once proud Raito reduced to this sobbing mess. And all because of one night with a bunch of thugs.

At the thought of the men who'd done those things to Raito, L seethed. He pulled up the pictures he'd uploaded from Raito's phone. There were six of them in all. The first was a picture of two men holding Raito down. Raito was definitely fighting back. The second was of Raito naked and bleeding, the look of defiance still bright in his eyes. The next was worse. It showed one of the men with his disgusting dick deep in Raito's ass. Raito's face wasn't in this one, but judging from the blood dripping down, he knew it must have been painful.

The fourth picture showed Raito with tears staining his cheeks. The other man's repugnant cock shoved in his mouth. It was here that his eyes lost their fire. But it wasn't the worst of them. The next showed Raito with his hands on the man's shaft with his mouth on the tip. His eyes were closed in defeat.

L didn't want to look at the last, but he did anyway. He had to. For Raito. This one showed Raito when they were done with him. His abused body lay naked and bleeding, the bruises already forming. His eyes looked lifeless. If L hadn't known better, he would have though the teen in the picture was dead.

Wrenching his eyes from the photos he called Watari. "Have you found them?" he asked simply. Watari had good news. He was patching him the information now. They had been caught and were now in jail awaiting questioning. L thanked him and hung up.

He checked his email and saw the documents Watari had promised. The two men were named Taro and Yuuta Kinjo. They were brothers aged 29 and 34 and they had been in court several times for drug possession and distribution, vandalism, rape, and murder. L grinned triumphantly. He had them. The only problem was, if they were the men in the pictures, who was holding the camera?

Raito stepped out of the shower and dressed slowly. He walked out to the bedroom and lay down. Suddenly, he realized he was hungry. Starving, really. He couldn't remember the last time he had eaten. He walked out to the living room and saw L on his laptop, as usual. "I'm hungry, he said simply."

L looked up at him slowly. Something flickered in his large black eyes before being buried once more. "Of course. What would Raito-kun like?" he asked in his normal monotonous voice.

Raito shrugged. "I don't care. As long as it's food I'm happy." L blinked at him and nodded, standing up. "There is cup ramen if Raito-kun wants something immediately." Raito nodded. He really didn't want to eat, but he knew it would only get more uncomfortable if he continued to starve. He went to the kitchenette and searched the cabinets until he found the ramen. He put it in the microwave for the necessary three minutes and rummaged around for a pair of chopsticks or a fork. He found only plastic sporks.

Sighing, he turned to L. "Don't you at least have something proper to eat with?" he asked in annoyance. L shrugged. "Sporks are quite useful. They can be used for both liquids and solid foods. Besides, they're plastic so Raito-kun will have a very hard time using them to harm himself or attempt suicide again." Raito's eyes twitched, but he said nothing. Better to ignore him and hope he would drop it.

The microwave dinged and Raito pulled the ramen out. He looked in the fridge for something to drink. Of course, there was only bottled water and milk. Better than nothing, he guessed, and pulled a water bottle out. It didn't take him long to finish the cup ramen, despite the scalding temperature of the food.

He ate another cup as well, once again eating it quickly. His mouth hurt, but he drank his water slowly. It was like practice. He wanted to see how hard it was to ignore the pain. He needed to get stronger. He needed to stop having those stupid nightmares. He needed revenge.

He began walking back to the bedroom, intent on planning how he would kill them when L stopped him. "Raito-kun. How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," he said simply, but L shook his head. "No, you are not. You attempted suicide. You are not fine at all, Raito-kun. Tell me what happened to you." Raito spun around and glared at him.

"I told you I'm fine," he said through clenched teeth. "Nothing happened to me. I just decided I didn't want to be Kira anymore. There's no point in trying to save this world. It's already too corrupted for help." With that he turned around and walked back to the bedroom.

_Well then…_ L thought, //_I guess I'm going to have to use that tactic after all…I'm sorry Raito-kun_.

----------

Raito stretched out on the bed. He closed his eyes and sighed. He heard a creaking and felt a weight on the bed. Opening his eyes in annoyance, he watched as L climbed into the bed beside him. "Can I help you?" he asked in a tight voice. L didn't answer. He just stared at him. It was starting to make Raito uncomfortable. "Hey, what's your problem?" L continued to just look at him.

Suddenly, he moved quickly to grab Raito's wrists. He pinned him to the bed and sat on his chest, looking down at him calmly. Raito's eyes went wide. He struggled to get away. "GET OFF!!" He roared. He twisted and thrashed in a desperate attempt to dislodge the detective.

After several attempts, he went limp. He closed his eyes tightly and turned his head away. He was trembling severely. _No, no, no. Not again. Oh god, please not again! This can't happen to me again!_

The feelings of those men touching him were rushing through his head, overcoming his symptoms. Their moans, their laughter, that awful smell of blood and alcohol…Pain everywhere, all over his body…Blood, so much blood, filling his thoughts. He wanted to scream!

He wanted to, but he could only manage a whimper. Tears of pure terror slid out of his eyes. "Please stop…" he begged in a coarse whisper. And just like that, L let him go. Raito curled up in fetal position. He didn't care—or even realize—that L was watching him in worry. In his mind, it was happening again. Their hands everywhere, touching him. It was so repulsive and so utterly wrong!

"Raito-kun…" He heard his name spoken softly. It pulled him out of his waking nightmare ever so slightly. "Raito…" Raito shuddered at the familiar use of his name. He opened his eyes to see L looking at him. His eyes were full of sympathy, regret, and pity.

Raito stopped being scared. He was too angry to be scared. "Get out." L touched him. L was just like them. Even worse, he had played with his head. He would never have thought L would do that. Make him remember that. "Get out, damnit!" he yelled. L stepped off the bed and held his hands up in surrender.

"Raito-kun, I only want to help you. I'm sorry." He looked at him with pleading eyes. Raito just laughed humorlessly. "Fuck that. Don't touch me. Just leave." His glared at L with a hatred so pure, it actually made L take a step back.

"I'm sorry, Raito-kun," he said again. He walked out, leaving Raito to be alone in the bedroom.

---------

L sunk down onto the chair. He was breathing heavily. The look in Raito's eyes when he was on top of him…And that glare right before he left. It made him want to beat himself over the head. How could he have done that to Raito? What the Hell was wrong with him?! What sociopath would think it was okay to torment a rape victim like that? And not just any rape victim. His first ever friend.

And L realized Raito _was_ his friend. He might not have meant it when he'd said it to him, but somewhere along the way it became true. But he'd hurt Raito and possibly damaged him beyond repair. But that wasn't the worst part. When he'd been sitting astride Raito, holding him down, he couldn't help feeling aroused.

Something about being on top of him, being in control of the beautiful boy made him want to…But no. That was wrong. L stood up and realized the true effect Raito had had on him. He now had an erection for the first time in years. And it was all because of Raito.

He closed his eyes and tried desperately to get the image of Raito out of his head. This only made it worse, though. His mind showed him pictures of Raito lying on the bed without clothes. His face was flushed and he was panting. _"L…Oh god L…You feel so g-good!"_

L's eyes snapped open. He walked to the bathroom and turned on the shower. He stripped and stepped in, his sudden lust all the more powerful for being ignored all these years.

L closed his eyes and grabbed his shaft, sighing at the feeling. He let his hand slide up and down slowly, pictures of Raito filling his mind. Raito naked and panting, Raito masturbating, Raito being fucked by L, Raito giving L a blowjob, Raito moaning and gasping as L stroked his firm member.

His hand moved faster, causing L to moan. It felt so good! But it was so bad. Imagining his friend like this…But oh god, he couldn't help it. He moved his hand faster, occasionally letting the other glide around to stroke his balls. He was panting and gasping as pleasure wracked his body.

"R-Raito..." he moaned as he came hard in his own hand. He stroked a few more times as he rode through his orgasm. When he finally opened his eyes, he discovered that at some point he'd sunk to the floor. Apparently his legs were to weak to hold him up.

It hit him then what he had just done. He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the shower wall. "God damnit…"

* * *

A/N So, I haven't written anything in about a year...I'm sure you all hate me. I'm sorry ;-;

School was busy and my life was extremely bad for awhile. I won't get into all that, though. I promise to finish writing, okay? I love you guys, even if you hate me!!


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